Lip chap.
"What!!???!!!" you say? "That's not really a phrase, hell....I've never heard that"
Really? Do you not hang out with any 15-30 year old females? Well I feel sorry for you. I however seem to have surrounded myself with this sub-species, and have found this to be a common incorrectly used expression, especially in winter.
An example....
"It's so dry in here, does anyone have any lip chap I can borrow???"
Um....sure, let me just scrape some of the dry chappy skin off of my lips and give it to you....and as far as borrowing it goes....don't worry about it. You can keep it.
The problem is called lip chap.....well...not really even....but for a 15-30 year old female we'll let that slide. The solution to the problem is called chap stick. Or lip gloss. Or blistex. Or....well.....whatever....you get the idea.
Why would you ask for the problem itself when you're actually looking for the solution to the problem?
When you head to the pharmacy wanting your birth controldo you ask the pharmacist "can you help me get an unwanted pregnancy?"
When you go to the garage, and you need an oil change do you ask for a seized engine?
When you're feeling kinda hungry do you head down to the restaurant and ask for a starving Ethiopian fly-baby?
So.....why do people ask for lip chap when they're wanting something for chapped lips?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Damn Sorcerers!!!!
Original article here
I have absolutely nothing to add to this....it pretty much works on its own.
KINSHASA, April 22 (Reuters Life!) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.
Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.
Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.
Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.
"You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We've had a number of attempted lynchings. ... You see them covered in marks after being beaten," Kinshasa's police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, told Reuters on Tuesday.
Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.
"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," Oleko said.
"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.
Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members.
"It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station. (For full Reuters Africa coverage and to have your say on the top issues, visit: http://africa.reuters.com/ ) (Editing by Nick Tattersall and Mary Gabriel)
Monday, December 8, 2008
Body Awareness
Hey boy's and girls!!!1!!! I'm here today to talk (rant) to you about "body awareness". Now I'm not talking about some kind of crazy metaphysical philosophy thing. And I'm sure as hell not talking about that thing where grotesquely obese women check out their genitals in a mirror to confirm their womanly beauty. Ew. Nope....I'm just talking about good old regular body awareness: being aware of where the hell you are putting that meat-bag your brain drives around in.
Do you have a friend or colleague that when you're out in public with always seems to be getting bumped into, or disrupting the flow of traffic around them? If yes, then you're probably fine.
If no.....then you're probably that guy!!! Do you often find yourself just going about your day, minding your own business when ka-pow! someone just plows into you? This might be because you have poor body awareness. Some people just seem to lack this unconscious talent. I'm pretty sure it can't be taught, but maybe with practice you can learn how not to be the equivalent of a blind man trying to cross a NASCAR track.
So yeah, in the end, this post is coming down to a lesson in how to walk properly....but as the Christmas rush gets more and more intense, you're going to see bigger crowds and more and more people having trouble negotiating them.
The most important thing; pay attention to what is going on around you!
For starters....I know there's no law about this, but generally in Canada, walk on the right hand side of things. Hallways, doorways, sidewalks etc. If you just step back a bit and watch, most of the people are walking down their respective right-hand sides, with a few faster walkers passing in the middle space. Works pretty well. At least it does until someone starts going up the left side against the flow. Whether they're British (watch...they walk on the left....) or just not paying attention, they will try to plow their way up the "wrong" side and create chaos in their wake. Like I said, there is no "law", and getting bumped into by a person on the wrong side of things is certainly better than getting hit by a car on the wrong side of the road, but it sure goes better when people are on the same page.
Also, if you're walking down a narrow hallway or sidewalk that is only wide enough for two people, don't walk right down the middle when people are trying to walk past you (in either direction). And if you're walking down said sidewalk/hallway with a friend, side by side.....and someone needs to get by....you're going to have to move to single-file, or move one of you onto the grass. Do not expect the person coming towards you to move....it would be a safer bet to expect them to lower their shoulder and try to hit you right on the chin with it.
And when you're walking somewhere crowded. Don't suddenly stop. I don't care how amazing the bargains are in the store across the hall, if you go from 60-0 in one step, someone is probably going to hit you right in the centre of the back. If you need to stop in a bit of a crowd, just angle off to the side, and you should be able to get out of the fast-moving stuff and stop. It's not that hard. And if for some reason you have stopped in a fast-moving crowd.....whatever you do, don't back up or move straight sideways under any circumstances. Even before you start walking forward again it's a good idea to take a quick look over your shoulder. Once you stop moving, the crowd will basically treat you like a lamp-post. Nobody worries too much about invading the personal space of a lamp-post, so the will walk a whole lot closer to you than if you were moving and there's a high possibility of a collision if you just start out again without looking.
One more thing. Especially during Christmas, you have to also be aware of where your stuff is. Pushing a shopping cart or stroller....carrying a pile of shopping bags? Don't forget to make room for these. Sure you can squeeze down that skinny aisle normally, but you've just doubled your width with those gigantor toys-r-us bags.... think about it. And if you're standing and looking at something on the left-hand side of a shop aisle....don't park your cart/stroller right beside you on the right-hand side. I personally have no qualms against arriving at your cart, taking hold of the handle and motoring off around the corner with it. However, I have no desire to posess your child, or a defend a felony kidnapping charge....so please.....don't block the entire aisle by yourself.
Do you have a friend or colleague that when you're out in public with always seems to be getting bumped into, or disrupting the flow of traffic around them? If yes, then you're probably fine.
If no.....then you're probably that guy!!! Do you often find yourself just going about your day, minding your own business when ka-pow! someone just plows into you? This might be because you have poor body awareness. Some people just seem to lack this unconscious talent. I'm pretty sure it can't be taught, but maybe with practice you can learn how not to be the equivalent of a blind man trying to cross a NASCAR track.
So yeah, in the end, this post is coming down to a lesson in how to walk properly....but as the Christmas rush gets more and more intense, you're going to see bigger crowds and more and more people having trouble negotiating them.
The most important thing; pay attention to what is going on around you!
For starters....I know there's no law about this, but generally in Canada, walk on the right hand side of things. Hallways, doorways, sidewalks etc. If you just step back a bit and watch, most of the people are walking down their respective right-hand sides, with a few faster walkers passing in the middle space. Works pretty well. At least it does until someone starts going up the left side against the flow. Whether they're British (watch...they walk on the left....) or just not paying attention, they will try to plow their way up the "wrong" side and create chaos in their wake. Like I said, there is no "law", and getting bumped into by a person on the wrong side of things is certainly better than getting hit by a car on the wrong side of the road, but it sure goes better when people are on the same page.
Also, if you're walking down a narrow hallway or sidewalk that is only wide enough for two people, don't walk right down the middle when people are trying to walk past you (in either direction). And if you're walking down said sidewalk/hallway with a friend, side by side.....and someone needs to get by....you're going to have to move to single-file, or move one of you onto the grass. Do not expect the person coming towards you to move....it would be a safer bet to expect them to lower their shoulder and try to hit you right on the chin with it.
And when you're walking somewhere crowded. Don't suddenly stop. I don't care how amazing the bargains are in the store across the hall, if you go from 60-0 in one step, someone is probably going to hit you right in the centre of the back. If you need to stop in a bit of a crowd, just angle off to the side, and you should be able to get out of the fast-moving stuff and stop. It's not that hard. And if for some reason you have stopped in a fast-moving crowd.....whatever you do, don't back up or move straight sideways under any circumstances. Even before you start walking forward again it's a good idea to take a quick look over your shoulder. Once you stop moving, the crowd will basically treat you like a lamp-post. Nobody worries too much about invading the personal space of a lamp-post, so the will walk a whole lot closer to you than if you were moving and there's a high possibility of a collision if you just start out again without looking.
One more thing. Especially during Christmas, you have to also be aware of where your stuff is. Pushing a shopping cart or stroller....carrying a pile of shopping bags? Don't forget to make room for these. Sure you can squeeze down that skinny aisle normally, but you've just doubled your width with those gigantor toys-r-us bags.... think about it. And if you're standing and looking at something on the left-hand side of a shop aisle....don't park your cart/stroller right beside you on the right-hand side. I personally have no qualms against arriving at your cart, taking hold of the handle and motoring off around the corner with it. However, I have no desire to posess your child, or a defend a felony kidnapping charge....so please.....don't block the entire aisle by yourself.
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