Up. Down. Really that's all there is.

Working in my office at the hospital for my two weeks of clinical time, I get to ride the elevator a lot. My office is on the 10th floor (of 12) but most of my patients are on the 3rd. Or on the 4th floor in the next building over. I could take the stairs, and I usually do when heading down, no matter how far, but 10 floors up is a bit much for me.

Despite all the practice I've been getting using an elevator since starting here, I don't think I've improved my elevator skills any. I haven't developed any secret techniques that make my elevator use seem effortless while the general population struggles. This isn't throwing a 50yd touchdown pass people. It's not playing the Super Mario Brothers theme song on a ukelele. I really don't think there is any skill involved whatsoever. But for some reason, the elevator seems to just confuse the hell out of some people.

"But Ren!", you say, "isn't an elevator a fancy machine with lots of computers and moving parts and cutting edge technology?" Ok, sure, behind the scenes. We're not building an elevator. We're not even repairing the elevator. We are just riding the elevator. How difficult is that? Let's see.

What can you do when riding an elevator?

1. Get in
2. Push buttons
3. Get out

That's it. Three freaken things that you can do with an elevator. That's not so hard is it. "But Ren!", you say, "there's lots of other stuff you can do with an elevator". Ok, sure, you can push other buttons. You can use the emergency phone. You can kill your prison guards in a courthouse in Memphis and then peel one of their faces off and wear it as a disguise, and hide his body on top of the elevator car. However, don't. That's all. Just don't. Simply get on. Push the button you need. Wait. Get off. Don't push any other buttons. Don't try to order a fucking pizza with the emergency phone. Don't kill anyone and wear their face as a mask. Easy.

"But Ren!", you say "what if they've pushed the button to call the elevator and nothing's happening?" First off, do you know nothing is happening? When you pushed the button did it light up? Of course it did, that's what the buttons do here. That light tells you that something is, in fact, happening. Was the button already lit when you pressed it? Well for starters, why the hell would you press it again? It's already lit. Do you think that your extra press will make it come faster? Are you stupid. Do you have some kind of OCD? Do you stand at crosswalks and pound on that button 40-50 times to make sure you get a walk light? Did you forget to take your meds this morning? If I had any control over the elevators, I would write in a little program in the computer that would make 1 elevator car skip your floor for every extra button press. This of course has the potential to terrorize the poor people in the elevator who want to go to that floor as their elevator keeps skipping over it, never letting them off as idiots stand on their floor mashing the call-elevator button.

Also on the topic of the call elevator button. If they give you the option of a down button and an up button, just press the direction you need. If you want to go to a lower floor press down. Higher floor press up. It's easy to make this distinction by looking at the numbers and using all of your Sesame Street skills decide which you need. When you press the other button, it's not actually a secret "get the elevator faster" prize. It just makes an extra car, going the wrong direction come to a stop, and open the door, while all the people look around to see who's getting off, and then when no-one does, one of the OCD imbeciles starts pounding the Close door button and off it goes again. You still don't have an elevator ride, and if that was going to be your ride on the flip-side, you just delayed the process. Nice work speedy.

Oh yeah. If the fire alarm is ringing. Take the stairs. Number one rule of not becoming charcoal is: don't ride the elevator in a fire. If you can't take the stairs, wait for help. It's a hospital. Trust me, we're not allowed to just leave without you.


Alright, next topic. The buttons inside the elevator car. You've got a few more options than the up/down buttons on the outside, but really, there's just one that you need. Push your floor. Here at the hospital it's pretty easy. The units are numbered in 10's and the first digit is the floor number. The units 101/112/ are on the 10th and 11th floors respectively. Not too hard. It's a bit trickier when heading back down again. Do you want "M" or "G" or "B"? OMG, how confusing. I bet those letters don't actually stand for anything and were just randomly thrown on the menu. How will I ever know where I'm supposed to go? The easiest way is to just pay attention to what floor you started on. But...that requires planning, and short-term-memory and basic intellegence, so we'll ignore that one.

• M stands for Main. This is the "main" floor of the hospital. Nothing too confusing about that. Being the "main" floor, it contains the main entrance and exit to the hospital. Honestly, you probably started out here.
• G stands for Ground. In some buildings G stands for garage. I suppose that could be confusing to you. But since you didn't get out of your car in a garage and immediately take the elevator from the garage itself, you can be pretty safe thinking that this isn't the meaning of the G. the ground floor is 1/2 in and 1/2 out of the ground. It's like a walk-out basement, but without the 50 inch plasma TV. Instead, there's a cafeteria. With cafeteria food. If you were wanting to go back to your car, you should have hit M. If you were wanting food, you probably still should have hit M, gotten in your car and driven somewhere with better food.
• B stands for Basement. You probably don't want to go there. It's a clammy, dark, cold hallway. The only things down here are the morgue, and the hospital's pharmacy. That is why the only people on the elevator pressing B are kind of pale and anti-social. Do not join them.

Also, when you get on the elevator, don't assume that the other people on there are going to the same place as you. Your aunt mabel is one hell of a lady, but not everyone is going to unit 32 to go visit her. See that pasty, pale guy with the ipod? He's heading to the morgue. In the basement. You want to go home? Make sure M is pressed, or you're heading down to the basement with him.

Also inside the car we have the open/close door buttons. These are indicated with symbols that look kinda like this.

• Open Door <>
• Close door ><

If someone is rushing to catch the elevator and you don't know which is which, don't just stab one, cause you're probably hitting the close door one, and making yourself look like an asshole. If you really want to help the guy, just stick your arm into the door opening. It won't crush you, it probably won't even touch you. There's a sensor in there so it doesn't shut if something is in the way. If you're in a big hurry and too busy to wait for the guy, just look at the buttons kinda confused and hover your hand above them like you're figuring it out, just not quick enough, while the door slams in their face. Then you don't actually look like an asshole, even though you are one.

Also, here at the hospital, the close door button actually works. Unlike 95% of elevators that include that button just to give the OCD people something to do, the ones here start to close when you press it. That means, don't hit the fucking button until people are all the way through the door. You know those sensors, they seem to get partially over-ridden when you hit the button. It won't let you crush anyone to death, but it usually will keep going till it makes pretty solid contact before opening again.

Ok, so that's the buttons. Not too hard. To summarize the buttons.

• call elevator to go up or down by pressing appropriate button.
• ONCE!!!
• press the button for the floor of your destination
• you should probably just leave the Close Door button alone
• If you really must press it, make sure there is nobody going through the door
• Don't touch anything else

That's it. That's all.

Ok, now for the next part. Getting in/out. "But Ren!", you say, "why even bother talking about this, how could anyone screw this up?" Oh, people screw this up. Big-time. The first mistake people make is trying to get into the elevator before the people exiting have gotten out. There is a relatively limited space in the elevator. As well the door often creates a bit of a bottle-neck. Have you ever had a completely full glass of water but decided you want beer in it instead? Do you just pour the beer in and let it push the water out of the way? Of course not you drunkard! Same thing, just wait slightly off to the side and let the damn people off, then get on. If I'm getting off the elevator and you're standing right in the middle of the doorway starting to head in, I will not walk around you. I will hit you right in the chest with my shoulder. I'm not a muscle-head. But I am 6'2" and about 190lbs. I play hockey. I know how to put a shoulder into someones chest. Would you like to try?

Also on the topic of getting in. Go through the door, press the button for your floor and move to the back. Ok, if you're getting out in 3-4 floors maybe just pick a place along the side wall, about 1/2-way to the back. Do not stand right in the middle. And do not hit your floor and then stand right beside the bank of buttons. If you do this, three things can happen. Firstly, people may just shout out their floors to you, and you will be expected to hit the buttons for them. Or, since most people would rather not talk to anyone on an elevator, they will probably elbow past you and hit the buttons themselves. Or third, if you're a moderately hot chick, they might try to hit the buttons themselves, but "accidentally" give you a little grope on the way. Whoops! Heh heh. Boobies. It's not always possible to organize the people in the elevator by floor, but if you're riding to the top, maybe try to get near the back, and if you're getting off soon, try to stay near the front. Also, if the elevator is already full, don't get in. I know you're really important. Can't take the time to wait for the next one. But you can't defy the laws of physics and just squeeze in. If there's no room, there's no room.

And if you're only going 1 floor. Don't get on at all. Unless you have a handicap sticker on your car do not violate the elevator with your lazy ass. Especially if you are only going 1 floor down. If you need to go only 1 floor down, you can fall that without getting hurt. Come to the stairs and I will show you. There should be a rule that you aren't allowed to go less than 2 floors up or 4 floors down without showing some evidence of physical handicap.

If there's someone trying to get on in a wheelchair, or with a walker, or IV pole, try to organize yourself close to the other people and let them in. It's a hospital god-damn it. Maybe even let them in first and then organize around them instead of making them plow into the crowd of you. Wouldn't that be sweet of you.

Getting out, seems to be less difficult, but people still seem to have trouble. Pay attention to the display in the elevator, when it says your floor, get out. If you're stuck near the back wait to see who else is moving, and then say "excuse me" if you need people to get out of the way, and get out. Don't start saying "excuse me" before the elevator stops. If the person directly in front of you is also getting out you seem like a bit of a douche. It's like honking at the guy in front of you as soon as the light changes. Give the person a second. Also, do not just start shoving your way out. If there are people between you and the door not moving, ask them nicely to get out of your way. Basic human decency. Not too difficult.

That's it. How to use an elevator in a couple simple steps. Why is it so difficult for you people? To summarize....

HOW TO USE AN ELEVATOR

1. Press button to call elevator
2. Get on
3. Press button for floor
4. Wait
5. Get off

That's it. Not that fucking hard, now is it. The problems seem to arise from a basic lack of common sense, good manners and simple patience. Well, get over it.